I Raised Kids to Speak Their Mind. Here Is What I Had to Learn to Keep Up.

Did you raise kids to have feelings and to talk about those feelings? Did you raise them to speak their mind? I did. And I will tell you, when you do that, you create a situation where they can be pretty hard to parent. It is amazing because you are raising emotionally intelligent kids, but you better be ready to be on all the time to handle them.

Here are the 5 best things I have done to raise emotionally intelligent kids, without the trauma, and maybe you can use some of these too.

1. I learned not to take it personally.

When your kids tell you their feelings it is not meant as a slight against you. It is only because they feel safe enough to express them. Let me give you an example. My son, who is 11, has recently gotten into fishing. He goes to a great spot on the water because his friend has access to a dock in his neighborhood. One evening I could think of nothing better than sitting out on that dock watching the sunset while they fished. I asked him, "Hey, what if instead of dropping you off I stayed with you while you fished?" He said very kindly, "Mommy, I don't want to be mean, but I kind of just want to be out there with my friend."

And you know what? Totally valid. Does it mean he does not love me? Absolutely not. It means I created a safe space for him to express that feeling honestly. Sometimes don't we all want that?

2. I learned how to phrase things in a way that does not hurt feelings.

This one comes a little more naturally to me because I am a words of affirmation person and fairly sensitive myself. But it is not easy for everyone. There are plenty of times when even the most constructive feedback can land wrong. The words "why do you have to yell at me" can come out of their mouths pretty quickly even if you whispered the words to them.

So I learned to start softly. You know the compliment sandwich they tell you to use when giving feedback to an employee? I use it here too. If something has to be addressed in the moment I will start with something positive before I give the feedback. If it does not have to happen right then I will bring it up at a completely different time when it will not land as sensitively.

Here is an example. My son is headed to bed and every night there is trash left in his room or a cup of milk from the night before. The first instinct is to say something like "Oh my gosh, how many times do I have to tell you to clean this up?" Instead, in the moment, I might say "Hey, do not worry about it tonight, I will get it, but let us work on making picking up your room part of your bedtime routine going forward." Nobody likes to be called out right before bed. Why would we think our kids are any different?

3. I learned to delay conversations.

Going back to that same example. Addressing the trash in the room right before bed, when everyone is tired, is not going to change anything. It is just going to feel like an attack. So I wait.

Maybe the next evening after dinner while we are cleaning up I will say something like "Hey, I know it is hard to remember every time, but before bed tonight let us make sure the trash and any dishes are out of your room. Let us make this a nightly thing and I will help remind you, but I want you to start thinking about it too." There are so many times I know that addressing something in the moment would turn into a fight. And fighting does not change behavior. It just creates tension.

4. I learned that positive reinforcement works so much better than negative picking.

Sticking with the trash in the room situation. What if I said nothing at all and just quietly took care of it? Then the next day he cleaned it up on his own because the milk started to smell. That is a perfect opportunity. "Hey, thank you so much for getting the trash out of your room without me asking. It really helps when you do that."

It is incredible what happens when you catch them doing something right and call it out. You can actually see a little chest puff up. They stand a little taller. Praise does something that picking never will. Next time you want to change a behavior wait for the moment they get it right and acknowledge it. Then watch what happens.

5. I learned to give choices when something needs to get done and no is not an option.

Here is a real example. I was hosting my son's birthday party and there was a lot to get done, much of it his responsibility. Instead of rattling off a list of demands, which would have been met with overwhelm and probably some back and forth, I tried something different.

I said "Hey, the party is tonight and there is a lot to take care of. Here is a list of everything I need you to do. You can do it in whatever order you want but I need it all done by 2pm. It is 11:30 now. Does that work for you?" His response? "Sure, got it." No argument. No negotiating. He came back with a completed checklist by 2pm.

What I have learned after years of teaching and raising kids is that we are all human. I genuinely dislike being told what to do, especially when I have no say in the matter. So why would I parent that way just because I can?

Action to Take This Week

Pick just one of these strategies and try it with your kid this week. Maybe it works exactly as described. Maybe it needs some adjusting. Maybe it is not the right fit for your family at all. Everything does not work for every child. But if even one of these gives you a different way to approach a hard moment, that is worth it.