High Expectations, Real Life, and Why I'd Do It All Again

This weekend I hosted my oldest daughter’s bridal shower. Yes, I’m officially old enough to have a child getting married. As I was watching her, I couldn’t stop seeing her as the little girl I picked up on her last day of kindergarten. And if you have young kids, I know it feels like you are in the thick of it right now, but one day you will miss it more than you can imagine.

I have three kids, ages 23, 19 (almost 20), and 11. It feels like just yesterday I had one in elementary school, one in middle school, and one in high school. Three different pickup times. Three different activities. I felt like a full-time chauffeur. I worked full-time too, so most days it felt like there was work and being a mom, and not much else.

It wasn’t until the last year or so, when my middle daughter left for college and I had just one kid at home, that I finally had space to reflect. I started thinking about how I wanted to use my voice. I wanted to share what I’ve learned from being a mom for over 23 years and teaching high school for 15 of those years. And along the way, I learned a lot. Not just how to get kids to do things they didn’t want to do, but how my rules and expectations actually worked.

I hear so much right now about how hard it is to transition into parenting adult children. I get it. But I also think a lot of what makes that transition smoother starts much earlier.

I got a PhD in my kids

I always joke that I got a PhD in my kids. One benefit of being a teacher was learning how kids learn. I knew one of my kids needed to see things visually. Another needed to hear it. I learned their love languages too. As hard as it sometimes was, I parented them individually. That PhD in them was one of the best things I ever did.

Believe me, it was not always easy. But it went a long way when I knew I could use positive reinforcement in a way that truly landed. Sometimes it meant pulling one of them in for a cuddle and just sitting quietly next to them. Other times it meant being intentional with my words, especially with my kids whose love language is words of affirmation. I learned that how I said something mattered just as much as what I said. A simple “Baby girl, I loved how you picked up your room the other day without me even asking. That was awesome,” or “Son, I’m so proud of how you handled getting upset the other day. You took a few deep breaths and didn’t stay stuck in your head,” could completely shift their behavior. Those small reinforcements made a huge difference over time.

I had high expectations.

I expected straight A’s. Let me explain that before you judge me. Because I knew my kids well, I knew how to set them up for success. I gave them the tools, the support, and the structure. Their job was to take those tools and do the best they could with them. I also knew their individual ability. If we did everything we could and the best they could earn was a B, that was completely fine.

I took a lot of heat for this. When I shared my expectations with my high school students, many told me they thought it was harsh. Then I’d ask them this. Why would I ever tell my kids they were not capable of straight A’s? Why would I say I don’t think you can do this, so don’t even try? Every single time I framed it that way, students said the same thing. They wished their parents believed they were capable and had set higher expectations for them.

I have never met a kid, even as a senior in high school, who wanted to do poorly. Most of the time, it was not a lack of ability. It was that no one ever asked them to do better or believed they could. Kids actually want a little bit of pressure. I think sometimes we are too easy on them. They can handle some eustress, the good kind of stress. But that is a whole other post.

Phones went up in the kitchen at night.

The time changed as they got older. I didn’t enforce it senior year because by then they were heading to college and needed to manage it themselves. My kids hated this rule. They told me all the time that their friends slept with their phones. But I knew their brains couldn’t shut off on their own. Doom scrolling, comparison, and stress don’t magically stop at bedtime.

And do you know how many of my students told me I was mean for this rule? Zero. Every single one said they wished someone had forced a break. Honestly, as a 48-year-old adult, I still have a hard time creating boundaries with my own phone. That’s why mine stays in the living room at night and I don’t sleep next to it. And don’t worry, since I have kids outside the house, I have ways for them to reach me if they need to.

We started life skills early.

Around 15, they learned how to make doctor appointments, order food, and handle basic phone calls. I stood next to them, but they did it. By the time they went to college, they could manage schedules, talk to advisors, and handle financial aid calls. They were nervous at first, but grateful later.

Starting in sixth grade, my rule was simple. You do your own laundry and make your own school lunch. Small responsibilities with small consequences if they mess up, but huge learning opportunities. This year, my son forgot to do his laundry and had no clean shorts. He wore sweatpants to school. Not the end of the world. The next week, he did his laundry without being asked. Small consequence. Big lesson.

Did my kids love all of this? No. And that’s okay. Parenting isn’t about being liked all the time. It’s about being steady. My rule was always honesty about the why. Not because I said so. High expectations because I believed in them. Phones up because sleep and mental health matter. Life skills because independence doesn’t magically appear at 18.

If you worry that parenting this way will push your kids away as adults, I’m here to tell you that’s not true. One day, many of them will say thank you. Mine have.

Action to Take:

Take an honest inventory. What responsibilities do your kids have right now? What expectations are you holding them to? Ask yourself this one question: What do these expectations communicate about what I believe they are capable of?